Don't you just want to pull back and slap him into next week?
I don't say this because I am insanely jealous that he gets to play with technology and review cool toys on the bleeding edge of home computing for a living. (I am insanely jealous, but that's besides the point.) I say this because he does a terrible job and I've never seen a review of Saltzman's reviews calling him out for doing his job in such a douche-baggerly manner!
What makes me qualified to critique Saltzman's verdict on the iPad being the portable gaming machine champion? I've been gaming since Coleco-vision; that's what. Saltzman has no insider information, or history in the video-game field. He can review hardware one day, tv cables the next, and desktop computers to round out the week, and have totally bland, unhelpful, and vanilla reviews on all three. He is the average user and his reviews in magazines, TV, radio, and on the web are aimed at the average user BECAUSE he is not an expert in gaming, tech, or anything else for that matter besides self-promotion!
Lets take a look at one of his latest douchey review masterpieces where he defends the Apple iPad as a wonderful GAMING machine. Are you fucking kidding me?! (Links to the article discussed provided by fellow blogger Sal.C, follow him on Twitter as well here.)
The Saltzman collection of brain dead observations, which says the iPad is the best handheld gaming machine, is available here http://www.thestar.com/entertainment/games/article/757253--for-a-gamer-ipad-exceeds-expectations. Saltzman lets the verbal douchery fly in this article,
"Right out of the box, the iPad works with most of the 140,000-plus downloadable applications from the App Store, of which nearly 30,000 are games. This selection is far greater than offered by the two other portable gaming devices put together, and the games cost a fraction of the price of Nintendo DS and PlayStation Portable titles (most games at the App Store are less than $2). It might not be quite as portable as the DS or PSP but, if you're facing a long flight or a lazy Sunday afternoon on the couch, I know which device I would grab. Control freak friendly: Understandably, many gamers prefer real buttons over virtual ones – and if you've played the new Grand Theft Auto: Chinatown Wars on the iPhone, you know it can be a tad tricky to control – but because the iPad is big enough to place on your lap, it doesn't require you to hold the device and play at the same time, as is the case with the iPhone and iPod touch."
Where to start dissecting this bullshit?
Yes, there are a lot of apps for the iPad, but most of the games are free or 99 cents. You get what you pay for. Those budget games do not offer the complexity or value of games available for the other hand-held systems. Some older NES titles are currently available for the iPod, but anything using virtual d-pad and buttons has terrible controls. Try playing "MEGA MAN 2" on the iPod touch and you will throw your iPod at the wall! This is one of the best examples of virtual button games, from a great developer, and it is still terrible. The tactile sense of buttons cannot be replicated, and it is always lacking when compared to real d-pads and buttons. (The only game that has come close is Street Fighter 4 for iPod touch, and even that is more of a novelty at $10 a pop with only 4 action buttons and radically restructured gameplay combos from the original 6 buttons in the arcade. Replicating 6 button gameplay on the Super Nintendo console made that system THE system to have back in the day!)
The iPad is not as portable as a DS or PSP. The whole point of the iPad is to take it with you, douche-o. Why is it a "feature" that you don't have to hold the system while you play it? Who the hell will work a d-pad with anything but the thumb on their left hand?! Think about the ergonomics of playing an old school button mashing game on the iPad and working a virtual d-pad with your index finger. It makes no sense.
What does make sense is to say the iPad does some game types VERY well, (like the current "We Rule", or quick puzzel games like "Peggle"), where a touch screen is a definite advantage for gameplay. To say the iPad is the overall champion of portable gaming, that it is the "one you would grab for a lazy Sunday on the couch", is Saltzman giving a favorable review to make sure he gets his douchey fingers on the next piece of Apple hardware and not get cut off by Steve Jobs. You can be fair without fawning over the hardware. Apple is a master of displaying strengths while cleverly avoiding weaknesses. You, Saltzman, have drunk the kool-aid and been fooled.
[In Mr. T voice] "You been fooled, fool!" Now douche your way out of here, Superdouche, and never douchen my doorway again.
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"END TRANSMISSION."
1 comment:
Dear RadioFreeG,
You should really submit this compelling commentary to someone that could help propel you to becoming a journalist. You are deeply profound and I never imagined I could be so moved by the word douche...in all of its forms.
Kudos Mr. Radio and Hurrah for you. You are truly awesome. Time magazine, The New Yorker and other such publications would pay a King's ransom for your talent. How in the world could you go this long without recognition? Will wonders never cease?
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